Why I Won't See You Until Mid-December / Ava Has a Major Transformation

First of all, I am exhausted. Seriously. I just had to say that.

I Guess I'll See You in Three Months:

The instructors at Hackbright have suggested that we tell our family and friends that we will see them mid-December. I am starting to understand why. There have been many changes in the last few days, but the following changes are factors in why I am kind of unresponsive to texts/emails lately:

1. The number of emails I get per day has increased dramatically
2. The amount of time I have during the day to respond to emails has decreased dramatically
3. The amount of brainpower I have left at the end of the day has decreased dramatically
4. My desire to look at a screen at the end of the day has decreased dramatically

I am extremely fortunate in that I have about 20 people who love me and care about me so much that they actually want to hear, on a regular basis, about how my life is going. I really appreciate that and I need the support. The only downside is that right now I have so much to tell and not nearly enough time to tell it to 20 different people. Thus, I am blogging. If I don't see or talk to you until Christmas, I really will miss you very much. But right now I am making it a priority to put all my focus into this crazy opportunity I have, and I think that is a good choice.

My Transformation:

The Ava that is writing this blog post is so different from the Ava that wrote the last blog post (approx 48 hours ago), that you would hardly recognize her. Before I explain what has changed, I need to first point out something I've noticed about being insecure/timid/unsure. When I feel insecure, I also feel insecure about being insecure. In other words, I don't want to admit that I'm feeling insecure because I am embarrassed that I am insecure. 

So even though my confidence has shot up in the last two days (yay!), it's still hard to talk about the details of what it really feels like to be insecure. But I want to be completely honest in this blog like my hero Portia de Rossi (seriously, read her book now. Now!), so I am going to tell myself that no one is reading this and just be as honest as I possibly can. I think this will be therapeutic for me, and maybe someday it will help someone who is feeling insecure.

I do not think of myself as being a very insecure person in general. I feel pretty confident that I am a good person and that I have something to offer to society. But there have certainly been times in my life so far where I feel incredibly insecure about something in particular. Before I started at Hackbright, I felt extreeeeeeemely insecure about programming. I would accomplish something and think, "Wow, that was so cool! I am awesome!" And then a minute later I would think, "This accomplishment was child's play and I will never be a real programmer because I'm not smart enough." And I would go up and down like a roller coaster.

So I started Hackbright feeling very small, powerless, insecure, and scared, like a pathetic baby bunny but less endearing than a pathetic baby bunny. When they told us, "You are supposed to be here," I realized that they would not bother to say that if everyone else was super confident and comfortable and I was the only one feeling like a misfit. This must mean that almost everyone was feeling small, powerless, insecure and scared. Realizing that everyone else was in the same boat as me was a huge relief. So even on day one of Hackbright, I started feeling better about myself.

Then, something crazy happened. I decided that I was going to ask questions, even if I felt stupid or dorky or out of touch with the world by asking them. And furthermore, I decided I would ask any question that occurred to me, and I would ask more and more questions until I understood what the hell was going on. What I did not expect was that asking questions would actually make me feel way more confident.

Disclaimer: Liz is an amazing instructor and so far I have found most of her explanations to be quite helpful. That said, yesterday Liz started explaining what git and github are, and she might as well have been speaking Swahili for all that I understood. Everyone else was patiently listening, which I assumed meant that they all got what she was saying. But determined to understand despite how much everyone else would surely roll their eyes at me for being so stupid, I asked a question. And then I asked a follow-up question because I didn't understand the answer. And then another question because I was still confused. At this point we had basically gone from a lecture by Liz to a conversation between me and Liz in front of the whole class. So I apologized to the class for monopolizing the conversation, but to my surprise, everyone started essentially saying, "No! Keep asking questions! I'm totally lost too." 

Wow. Tons of other people were just as stupid as me, and they were too shy to ask those stupid questions because then everyone would know how stupid they are. And by that, I obviously mean that they weren't stupid questions in the first place. None of us was stupid. We all felt stupid. We all felt shy about feeling stupid. This realization hit me like a truck to the face.

I went home yesterday feeling emotionally awesome and physically wasted. My physical state was largely influenced by the fact that I had hardly slept the night before and by the tech talk we had after class that extended our day and left me little time to commute home and decompress before bed.

The Tech Talk:

Despite being sleep-deprived and tired out from a long day, the tech talk that we had right after that long day ended up being really awesome. A Hackbright graduate from last fall named Nicole came to talk about life before, during, and after Hackbright. She gave a great presentation because it was informative, interesting, funny, and audience-appropriate. In my head, I basically took what she said and boiled it down to this:

Nicole: I had never programmed and I didn't think I could program because I thought you had to be a certain type and I wasn't it. Then I tried it and realized it was awesome! Hackbright was stupid enough to let me in, so I spent 10 weeks trying to learn as much as possible and worrying that I would never get a job. Within a week of graduating Hackbright, I had three job offers. I decided to take the offer from EventBrite because they seemed like they had the best company culture. I felt super nervous about joining EventBrite and was worried that I was not smart enough. But they have an awesome setup for new programmers and they give you constant help and mentorship. Now I do all kinds of cool stuff at my job and I can't wait to learn more. Every project I take on seems like it is impossible and way harder than the last project. But I am getting used to that feeling, and I kind of like it.

After her talk I asked her how she had managed to get so many job offers so quickly, which conflicted with my previous understanding that it could potentially take several weeks/months to land a decent job after Hackbright if you weren't very good at technical interviews. It turns out that the Hackbright staff preps their partner companies ahead of time so that on Career Day and during interviews, they have a better understanding of who a Hackbright grad is. A Hackbright grad:

1. is smart

2. has proven that she is capable of solving complex problems

3. has very little experience in programming

4. knows the basic concepts behind programming

5. will need a specific type of mentoring/coaching during her first job

6. will become an awesome asset to her company after that company invests some time into her

So because the partner companies know this, they are not evaluating you in the same way as they would if they were doing a blind interview for a software engineer. Nicole got job offers from three partner companies. This made me feel like I will totally get a cool job after Hackbright because I will apply to a bunch of places and someone will love me and there will be sunshine and kittens.

My Confidence Level:

My confidence is really high right now. I had a great day and a great partner for pair programming. I am guessing that at some point (or points) in the future, my confidence will plummet again when I hit a wall that I can't seem to get past. But I feel good right now and I feel like I'm doing this right. Hackbright is exactly where I should be right now, and I am rocking it. Asking questions, being fearless(ish), enjoying a challenge, working my butt off, and having a damn good time. But if/when I hit a wall and my confidence disappears and I feel like a misfit and I don't think I can be a software engineer, I am going to try to be honest on this blog anyway. Wish me luck.

Signing off so that I can hibernate for the next several hours. Peace out.