The Evil Voice Gets a Name

When I got my acceptance letter from Hackbright, I panicked. I had spent the last couple months desperately hoping that I would get in, and I honestly didn't have a plan B. But here I was, my heart racing like I just ran 10 blocks to get to the donut store before it closed for the day.* Don't get me wrong. I was super excited and started calling everyone I knew to tell them. But I was also sweating and shaking and it felt like I was being chased by a lion.

John said, "This is exactly what you've been hoping for! Why in the world are you panicking??" It took me a while to figure out an answer to that question, but I realized that a little voice in my head was telling me:

They think you are smart. You tricked them into letting you in and there's no going back now. They're going to figure out that you're not smart enough and they are going to regret letting you in. Maybe it was a mistake even. Maybe they sent the email accidentally. Either way, when you get there, you are going to fail. You won't be able to finish the program because it will be too hard and everyone will know you failed. You are not a programmer. You are not an engineer. You are not smart enough. You cannot do this. Everyone will be watching as you struggle and finally give up. Then they will know you were never smart enough to apply in the first place.

I knew that voice was my Impostor Syndrome, but I believed it anyway. I am working really hard on that, but from what I hear, it's not likely to ever go away. So I've decided to name the voice.

Here we go. Her name is Professor Umbridge, and I must not tell lies.


* Shut up. I'm not a runner, ok?